I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
