I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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