Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
