when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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