I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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