i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
