Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
