rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
