Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
