I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
