My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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