I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
