he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
