Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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