I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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