The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
