the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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