am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
