His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
zippers are such a cool invention
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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