my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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