Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
