It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
