cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
