Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
