i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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