i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
