Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
