if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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