I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
