If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
