my vag is so smooth its legendary
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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