Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
