I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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