Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
