I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
