you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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