why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
