my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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