If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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