Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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