If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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