There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
