I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
