my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
