Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
