idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
