my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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