If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
