She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
