dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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