i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
