First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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