the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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