I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize