I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
