you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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