I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
