My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
