Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
